You know those tough conversations, the ones that make you tremble at the thought of having them? Those end up being the most important conversations of your life.
Being vulnerable is tough for everyone, not just the socially anxious. But if you have something important you need to express to someone, you could miss your chance by putting it off.
So let’s walk through some conversational strategies for having these talks. Because once you get good at having them, you can start making big changes.
1. Plan It Out (But Don’t Overdo It)
There’s nothing wrong with going into a tough conversation with a strategy.
You want to plan out exactly what you want to say and be prepared to put it as succinctly and authentically as possible.
You cannot predict how the other person will react to your honest expression. You can only prepare for what they might say.
However, if you spend all your time trying to prepare for every possible outcome, you could put yourself in a state of analysis paralysis and stop yourself from taking action.
Keep it simple:
- Decide what you want to say.
- Express it as clearly and honestly as you can.
- Trust yourself to be able to handle any reaction they give you, even if it shakes you up emotionally.
Try to imagine the worst-case scenario and prepare for what that might mean for you and the person involved, and how you can adapt if the conversation goes in that direction.
2. Arrange a Time to Talk, or Be Prepared to Talk Right Away
You need to make it known to the person (or people) that you have something you need to say, and they need to know that it’s important to you.
Arrange a time for you and the other party to speak about something. And be honest when you do so.
Honesty is crucial in every step of this process. It will feel like stepping into the spotlight when you tell someone how you feel, but on the other side of that scariness could be understanding, connection, and a stronger relationship.
Make it known that this is important to you, and if they only have time to at that moment, be prepared to talk then.
3. DEARMAN and Other Conversational Strategies
In DBT, the DEARMAN acronym stands for:
D — Describe your situation. E — Express how you feel about it. A — Ask for what you want/need. R — Reinforce (acknowledge) the other person. M — Be mindful. A — Appear Confident. N — Be willing to negotiate.
This is your roadmap for what you want to say.
When you’re having the talk, you can also practice mindfulness strategies like observing your anxiety, no matter how intense it is. This allows you to get a bird’s eye view on your emotional state instead of being consumed by it.
You gain the ability to let your anxiety be while you’re speaking. In turn, you can focus on the other person and how you articulate your points rather than how nervous you appear.
In addition, a critical part of tough conversations, or any conversation, is listening intently to the other party.
When people feel they are being understood and not interrupted, they are far more likely to take what you have to say seriously, as giving them the space to express themselves is freeing.
Let’s look at how one of these conversations might play out:
Conversational Strategies In Practice
Let’s say you’re approaching your senior year of high school, and your parents have high expectations for you to go to college.
But you have other plans. You’ve been privately researching trade programs in welding and HVAC, and you strongly feel that trade school is the path for you in today’s world.
You need to tell your parents that you don’t plan on attending college. It’s your decision, and you know you might be upsetting them by doing so. And you’re feeling nervous.
You Plan It Out
You decide that you’re going to ask your parents to talk on Thursday night after dinner. Neither of them will be working, and they should have time for a conversation.
You’re going to tell them that:
- You don’t plan on going to college.
- You believe you can be much more fulfilled and successful performing a trade. You plan to show them statistics about tuition rates, student debt, and yearly income.
You Arrange a Time
You let your parents know that morning that you want to have a talk after dinner. You tell them it’s important, and they can see that you mean it.
The Talk
D — Describe your situation: You tell them that you’ve been thinking about your future and what you want to be doing for a career.
E — Express how you feel about it: You tell them you’ve been conflicted about what they want for you and what you truly want. You express that you would like them to hear you out.
A — Ask for what you want/need: You tell them that you want to go to trade school instead of college.
R — Reinforce (acknowledge) the other person: You tell them that you’ve thought about going to college (their desire) and that you value their opinion, but you believe it is not the path for you.
M — Be mindful: You feel your nerves rising and you use your mindfulness practice to let your emotions flow and focus on the conversation in front of you.
A — Appear Confident: Being able to focus allows you to express your position clearly and effectively, showing them your conviction.
N — Be willing to negotiate: It is ultimately your decision what you do with your future, but you still take the time to listen to their input.
The rest is out of your control. You’ve stated your position and done everything to prepare. They might be upset, they might be reasonable, or they might even agree once you show them the numbers.
Regardless of what happens, you’ve said what you needed to say. The thought won’t weigh on you anymore, and you won’t spend years regretting having said nothing.
Talks like these can change your whole future, so if you can get good at having them, it will give you your best shot at getting what you want in life.
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