Self-esteem is more important than you think. The beliefs you hold about yourself branch out to affect every aspect of your life.
The challenge of self-esteem then, is identifying the beliefs that are holding you back from thriving so you can eventually start to change them.
Let’s look at the complexities of self-esteem so that you can work on building a better relationship with yourself.
Self Esteem Is the Foundation for Mental Health
“Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think.” — Nathaniel Branden
Feeling worthy of happiness is a prerequisite to happiness.
An adversarial relationship with oneself is associated with most psychological problems. Low self-esteem is most often linked to “low social support, poor-quality relationships, and increased anxiety and depression” according to Psychology Today.
Several things can crack this foundation of self-worth: Painful childhood experiences, breakups, unrealistic expectations for oneself, being surrounded by unsupportive people, and many others.
It’s natural for self-esteem to ebb and flow over the course of a lifetime (or even day-to-day). But what people with healthy self-esteem understand is that, despite setbacks and failures, they are still inherently worthy. They can still trust themselves. They will not self-loathe.
The beliefs we develop can become so embedded that we can’t imagine seeing ourselves in any other way. Even if we have all the evidence to the contrary that our negative beliefs aren’t true, they can still feel true to us.
If our goal is to investigate the core beliefs that are causing our low self-esteem, then Cognitive Behavior Therapy is one of the best tools for that.
CBT Reframing and Self-Esteem
“It is not an illusion or hallucination. If it is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through the appropriate operation of mind, it is not self-esteem.” — Nathaniel Branden
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the process of learning to identify negative, unhelpful beliefs.
You take your negative self-beliefs, break them down, test them against the truth, and see what remains. Then, you can start building your self-esteem from a place of honesty and objectivity.
Let’s look at an example of reframing a belief using CBT:
I slept in and was late for work this morning. I’m an idiot, and I can never do anything right.
Instead of taking this belief as the obvious truth, you could start asking questions.
You could ask, “Is that true? Do I never do anything right? What do I do right? Is this an automatic reaction? What do I believe about myself and why? Where do these feelings come from?”
This is called “Socratic Questioning.” It is a process used to scrutinize beliefs and gain self-insight. You aren’t necessarily looking for answers. You’re just trying to gain awareness and let the answers come to you.
By questioning your belief, your mind opens to the possibility that the belief could be ingrained from a negative past experience, and is not grounded in reality.
If you keep examining moments like this, you can start to dismantle your negative belief systems and build your self-esteem.
This is how you can address the subconscious negative feelings you have about yourself, even when they seem to contradict reality.
The Nuances of Low Self-Esteem
Examining beliefs is fundamental for self-esteem, but what also matters is our actions.
When we know we’re not doing what we should (practicing healthy habits, avoiding what we’re afraid of but we know would fulfill us, working toward our goals), we can start to generate a poor self-image.
Also, a big part of self-esteem is feeling like you’re enough. Enough to be deserving, specifically.
If this feeling of being enough becomes compromised, you can spend your whole life chasing it. This could come in the form of money obsession, academic success, romantic partners, muscles, or anything else. If you believe you’re not enough, nothing external will make you enough.
You need to address your feelings of not being enough at their source, and with time and action, you can come to see why you are enough.
High self-esteem individuals naturally want to grow and reach their potential, or at least live life on their terms. People who believe they are enough are capable of feeling fulfilled by their accomplishments.
Let’s look at self-esteem through the perspective of action.
Here are 3 action-based pillars of self-esteem building.
- Fear Exposure
Feeling nervous and limited all the time is not conducive to healthy self-esteem. The more you can push your boundaries and lean into what you’re afraid of, the more you can expand your capacity to experience life. If you can prove to yourself that you have courage, then that will carry over into any stressful life situation. - Failure
In attempting new things, you will screw some things up. But if you let it, failure can build you. You will learn resilience and adaptation. You will learn to not give up on yourself. You will see your capacity to learn and grow. Failure is a secret tool for building self-esteem. - Self Compassion
Self-compassion must be practiced if it does not come naturally. But the habit of being there for yourself when you start feeling pain is invaluable. Try to pull away from disparaging yourself when you make mistakes and work to understand yourself like someone you care about deeply.
Self Esteem Is a Process
People with healthy self-esteem know what they’re worth. They can assert their needs, set boundaries, and feel proud of who they are.
Building a foundation like this can take time, but it could be one of the most important things you do for yourself.
Be patient, and tackle your beliefs one at a time. If you have regrets, learn from them and be better now. Work to grow while understanding that you are worthy, even if life has convinced you otherwise.
